Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
