He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
