Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
