I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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