worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
