8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
