i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
