I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Randomize
