I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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