I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
