I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
