I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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