Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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