I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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