My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Randomize
