I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
