I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize