The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
