I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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