I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
