i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
My ATM looks so different sober.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize