So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
