Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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