my phone needs a breathalizer
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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