Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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