Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
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