i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
