How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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