i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
