I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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