I can feel you judging me through the phone.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
