I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
