I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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