Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
