i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
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