im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
