Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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