I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
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