I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
