The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
