She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
