i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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