So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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