you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I'm sobbing to NWA
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
