good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
