Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
