Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
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