Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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