Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
