I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
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