there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I need water and some morals
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