Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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