peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I smell stomach acid.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize