Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
