there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
