I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
