Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I know her cup size but not her name....
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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