We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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