Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
