i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
