you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
