Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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