Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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