All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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